


"Trust..? That's something you have to earn... "

by IndiannaJones5



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:35:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 5,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21635224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IndiannaJones5/pseuds/IndiannaJones5
Summary: Childhood isn’t easy.For anyone.But I guess moreso for others; a murderous lying father in jail, and a suicidal-psychotic woman you once called mother.Even with all that going on, in his eyes. Nothing came close ...not even.Something like that, will ultimately break you.And when someone special fails to pick up those, oh so delicate, fragmented pieces.He can only fall so many times…------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Relationships: He Tian/Mo Guan Shan
Comments: 26
Kudos: 109





	1. Chapter 1

There were so many reasons now, when he thought about it.

The **constant** noise did oftern stop him short, be it, on his was to class or just leaving his shitty small flat in the morning.

That **constant** drone, muttering, shouting, swearing, whispering. The stamp of feet on the lino floor, and how it echoed down the long brightly-lit hallways.

**Again, and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again...**

Someone had cleared their throat behind me. I turned round. The teacher for my next class was just waiting for me, eyebrows raised, though thankfully, tolerantly. All the teachers knew. Whether they liked me or not. It was a condition.

'Sorry Sir, I zoned out for a moment. I'll head into class now.'

'It's fine. You turned up at least, can't really fault you for that. Just go sit down.'

'Yes Sir, thanks'

Opening the door, the room went a bit quiet upon my entry for a few moments. But soon resumed when the door shut behind me again. Guess the teacher needed to do something before the start of class. Shrugging. I made my way to my seat at the back of the class, next to He Tian. I collapsed into my chair, hiding my sunken dark face in my arms as I lent into the desk, sighing tiredly.

'Morning'

I lift my head slightly; my eyes were peering up at him, staring with the early morning and fluorescent nights above, whilst still practically lying on top of my desk.

'Hi'

He frowned.

'One of those mornings?'

He knew the answer already, but asked anyway, Mondays were always the worst for me.

'Yea'

We stayed silent for several moments. I twinged suddenly, my chest throbbing. I reached down for my bag, the movement made me flinch painfully, but he'd already picked it up and started rummaging through it. Taking out my pain meds and his bottle of water, he handed both to me. I frowned, not really wanting to take them. He just glared back at me, knowing how much I detested taking them. Sighing irritably, I took the tablets and started grumbling.

'Talk after?'

He wasn’t looking at me, the teacher had just walked in.

'Sure.'

Classes pretty much flew by, not that I just completely ignored the lessons or anything dumb, just. I was struggling to stay awake. By lunchtime I was starving, and barely keeping my eyes open. I stumbled a bit passing a large group of first years, hitting the side from being shoved, I slumped down the wall sitting. Watching the loud footsteps pass by. With some effort I pulled out my headphones, successfully drowning out that **constant** noise.

 **To you** , it way have just looked like I was just bumming it out in the corridor, taking up unnecessary room. My legs, not exactly in the way, by enough so, for even the least touchy people to gripe and have a go. Though one look from me was enough to make em' fuck off. I really, wasn’t in the room to entertain any sort of conversation or interaction right now.

 **To them** , I was a nuisance.

**To him, I was an _unknown_. A _puzzle_. Something to be _solved_ , _riddled_.**

And I was still waiting for him. I'd waited this long. What was another 15 years..?


	2. Chapter 2

Scraping my chair back, I stood grabbing my bag off of the floor in the process. I made a bee-line for the door but a tug at my sleeve stopped me short. Silently sighing, I turned round smiling like some plastic fucking doll.

'Yes?'

'Are you going to eat lunch with us today?' 'He Tian can you help me revise?' 'What are your plans today He Tian?' 'What are you doing after school, He Tian?' _' **He Tian?' 'He Tian?' 'He Tian?' 'He Tian?' 'He Tian?' 'He Tian?' 'He Tian?' 'He Tian?' 'He Tian?' 'He Tian?' 'He Tian?' 'He Tian?' 'He Tian?' 'He Tian?' 'He Tian?' 'He Tian?' 'He Tian?' 'He Tian?' 'He Tian?' 'He Tian?' 'He Tian?' 'He Tian?' 'He Tian?' 'He Tian?' 'He Tian?' 'He Tian?' 'He Tian?' 'He Tian?' 'He Tian?'**_.

Biting the inside of my cheek so hard it bled, I calmly replied.

'I'm sorry, I have plans today'

And with that, I left the classroom sighing. I searched down nearly every damn corridor in the University. Until I finally found him. Initially thinking about just sitting down next to him and striking up some random-ass conversation like usual, I stop. I've known him long enough now.

**To me** , he looked pained.

And I was suddenly scared he'd done it again.

Slowly I made my way over to him. I stopped in front of him. For a moment, I don't think he even realised I was even stood here. That is. Until someone shouted my name down the corridor.

'HE TIAN!'

Squinting his already shut eyes, redhead finally opened them and looked up at me. Finally meeting my eyes. I thought he'd be angry I was just looming over him, like I was. But he just watched me. There was no frown creasing the middle of his brows, and no snarl curled at his lips.

He just looked tired. 

An unsettling sort of calm, even?

I could almost read the words in his eyes - **'I can't keep up this facade forever. Not even for you... He Tian'**.


	3. Chapter 3

I didn't know what to say. So I just said nothing. Motioning my head 'to leave', Mo stood up. Picked up his bag. And started walking to the rooftop, where we both knew would be empty. What with the bell ringing for the start of next class. By the time I'd caught up to him, he'd already lied down on the floor. **His eyes were closed again, though.**

Sitting next to him, I leant over slightly, looking at him closely. Seeming to sense my presence he opened his eyes, and scowled. In response to that, I simply leant back. Giving him back his space. Usually he couldn't care less if my arm was hung over his shoulder, or if I was staring at him ( like I always do ). But, apparently today was different. So I didn't push it. I knew how he could get.

We sat in silence for what seemed like hours. And, it probably was. Considering I could hear the main College bus pull up, and all the students shouting about leaving and going home for the day. Hearing the same things I heard, Mo's scowl deepened further.

I reached into my jean pockets, pulling out my headphones. A couple of old receipts and coins fell out too. One rolled and hit Mo's ear, before spinning for a moment, only to clatter to a stop. He reached his hand up, patting the floor besides his head, till he found the coin. With his eyes still closed, he smiled barely and started flipping the small object between his fingers.

Plugging in his headphones and playing their favourite playlist, he hit -play-. Delicately, he placed the headphones either side of Mo's head. For a while Mo didn't even react, then over an hour or so, his frown disappeared and he sighed, almost contently. At Mo's now calmed state, He Tian sighed tiredly. Lying down next to him. Closing his own eyes.

Pulling out another pair of headphones, he plugged in own pair of headphones, so he could listen too.

**And he almost missed it...**

**"thank you, Tian"**


	4. Chapter 4

We'd both fallen asleep, well at least I had. The cold and now darkened sky hung above us.

Stretching my arms up in an arc, I then turned to look at lying He Tian next to me.

Taking out the headphones, I was able to heard the gentle sound of He Tian quietly snoring, smirking I just watched for a few moments. Considering this wasn't something I'd seen, for a long time.

He grumbled something in his sleep, and rolled over, away from me. Laughing to myself I stood. Stuffing his headphones in my pocket, and then proceeding to pick up our bags off the ground.

Another cold gust of wind blew past us. Shuddering from it I pulled my thin jacket closer. Amusingly, He Tian had rolled again, facing away from me again. Walking round him, I crouched down. Another gust of ice-cold wind had blown again, which ruffed He Tian's hair almost hypnotically. One of the headphones had fallen out from him moving, and I reached down to take the other one.

Carefully lifting his head and placing it momentarily into my lap, I tugged out his other headphones. And then turned the sound off on the He Tian's phone, also, putting that into my pocket.

His head was still in my lap.

But I didn't want to move him.

As he was sleeping so calmly.

Breathe in, breathe out...

Breathe in, breathe out...

Breathe in, breathe out...

Breathe in, breathe out...

Breathe in, breathe out...

Breathe in, breathe-

He sighed, and his tired eyes opened. Clicking his neck to the side, he suddenly frowned. Reaching a hand up he prodded the floor around his head, until he touched my leg.

His eyes widened.

Tilted his head back.

And looked directly, into **my eyes**.


	5. Chapter 5

**He** said nothing, and neither did **I**.

I closed my eyes a for a moment and sighed, another gust of wind whipped past us again. Much stronger than the previous ones.

Shivering visibly I pulled my jacket closer and my arms tighter to my chest.

He Tian had also shivered, at the sudden gust. And had clumsily rolled from the sudden motion, from my lap and onto the floor.

’Ow!’

Rolling my eyes I pushed myself up to stand and dusted my legs off from any possible dirt.

Turning to pick up my bag, I caught his gaze on me. Frowning I turned to him with an eyebrow raised.

‘What?’

Grumbling to him self he moved himself forwards into a sitting position.

’Nothin’

Shrugging my shoulders I turned to walk to the roof door.

’So what are you-‘

I span round, confused. He’d have put his arm round my shoulders by now. Da fuck is he playing at.

He Tian, was still at on the floor.

Stomping back over I shouted.

’What the hell are you playing at? It’s fucking freezing up here! Let’s go!’

Turning to leave again I felt a tug on my trousers.

’What!’

’I cant feel my legs... ‘

’Good to know. Now, can we go..?’

’I don’t think I can stand’

’Like I care!’

With his head hung low and fumbling with his bag strap I sighed.

’What exactly do you want me to do about it? I can’t exactly carry you, can I? You probably weigh more than a baby elephant!’

’ ...Piggyback?’

’ABSOLUTELY NOT!’

He sighed again, and continued playing with the bag strap.

I then had an idea.

Cursing silently to myself turned to leave, until I heard a pathetic whine from behind me.

Scowling I turned round.

Again.

’Fucking shut up! I’ll be back in a minute!’

Stomping back over to the door I yanked it open, dropping my bag like a doorstop to keep it propped open.

Cackling to myself I picked up the thing I was looking for and headed back for He Tian.

As soon as he saw what I was carrying his jaw dropped.

’You gotta be fucking kidding me..!’

Still laughing I laid the E-vac chair next to him.

’I haven’t broken them!’

’Don’t care. It’s this. Or I leave you. Make up your mind.’

Grumbling and definitely pouting he mumbled.

‘Fine.’

Opening the chair up, I then stood up and went behind him. Putting my hands under his armpits I lifted him, most likely going red in the face from the overexertion. And then awkwardly waddled over to the chair next to him, placing him into it and doing up the strap.

Grinning down at him I said.

’You look fucking disabled.’

Rubbing a hand up his face and into his hair he sighed depressingly.

’God, please stop rubbing it in. I already feel like a fucking idiot.’

Sniggering, I started pushing him towards the door. And then towards the stairs.

Kicking the door open and dropping our bags onto He Tian’s lap I headed for the top of the stairs.

’What next then-‘

And then proceeded to scream like a girl. All, the way down the stairs.

’Can I get out now..?’

’Can you feel your legs yet?’

‘...’

’I’ll take that as a *no* then...’


	6. Chapter 6

By the time we got there the door was locked and the nurse had gone home.

'Now what?'

'Well, if you hadn't taken so long to tell me about your disabled self we might've had a better chance of catching her.'

'I didn't know it was going to be this bad!'

'Lets just get you outta here for now.'

When we got to the entrance I suddenly thought about the E-vac Chair. It was the University's. What if there was a fire tomorrow as someone else desperately needed this? What if it was some other kind of emergency? What if-

'Hey? Mo?!'

Taken out of my train of thought I looked down at He Tian.

'What?'

Frowning at me he said.

'You weren't replying to me and you were gripping the handle bars like you'd never let go... you worried bout me? Little Mo?'

Grinning now, I just deepened my frown as a way of a reply.

'No. I was thinking about something else.'

'What?'

'This?'

I gestured to the E-vac chair.

'What about it?'

'It's not ours, I feel bad taking it from the Uni... '

'But it's- I- okay lets do that instead.'

'What instead?'

'I get out this chair, you wheel it back to the entrance quick and then you help me walk back?'

I thought about it for a moment. The only thing that would effect me, was that I'd have to ring **them**.

'Sure.'

I wheeled He Tian over to the bench that sat outside of the Uni, and then awkwardly rolled him out of the chair and then onto the bench.

'I'll be back in a second.'

Standing in front of He Tian I stopped. And started fumbling with the phone in my pocket.

'I just, need to ring someone. I forgot to earlier. Wait a sec.'

I smiled lightly, but He Tian just nodded.

As he turned away, the frown I'd hidden came to life and darkened, when I realised who he would be calling at this hour.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'It's me.'

- _crackle_ -

'I'm still at University.'

- _crackle_ -

'I didn't mean to be.'

- _crackle_ -

'A student hurt themselves, but nobody else is here.'

- _crackle_ -

'They can't walk on their own, so I was going to help them home.'

- _crackle_ -

'They don't run this late, in this area.'

- _crackle_ -

'It'll take me about 2 hours to get them home.'

- _crackle_ -

'No, I won't.'

- _crackle_ -

'Yes, I kn- understand.'

- _crackle_ -

'The hospital is much too far away.'

- _crackle_ -

'Mine's the other direction, and much further.

- _crackle_ -

'I was going to stay at their's and then help them tomorrow or take them to the hospital.'

- ** _crackle_** -

'...'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stumbling back over to the bench I clumsily sat on it and placed my head in my hands. It was happening again.

**Again, and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again...**

I could heard it pounding so loudly in my head.

It hurt...

I felt my body shift to the side against my of volition.

My eyes widened, but I didn't dare to look.

There's no one there, there's no one there, there's no one there, there's no one there, there's no one there, there's no one there, there's no one there, there's no one there, there's no one there, there's no one there, there's no one there, there's no one there, there's no one there, there's no one there, there's no one there, there's no one there, there's no one there, there's no one there, there's no one there, there's no one there, there's no one there, there's no one there, there's no one there, there's no one there, there's no one there, there's-

'MO GUAN SHAN!'

Suddenly breathing in deep lungfuls of air. My mind stopped trying to make me hyperventilate.

'That's it! Breath in. And out. Breath in. And out. Breath in. And out.'

My breathing had begun to calm down. But my hand hurt, I looked down and could see that I was tightly holding his sleeve ...when did I do that?

I haven seen him this scared since- 

Suddenly slumping against me, with his head on my shoulder, I heard him start to quietly cry.


	7. Chapter 7

Why is it, that every time things start getting just a little bit better.

Something like **that** happens **?**

Am I not _allowed_ to be happy **?**

Is that just something I just _don't get_ to have **?**

I'm just one of the _unlucky ones_ **?**

Is that it **?**

( Am I always going to end up like this **?** crying like a child **?** ...alone **?** )


	8. Chapter 8

It was nearly morning by the time Mo had calmed down, and gotten back to my apartment. He'd stopped crying now, but he still hadn't said a word. I know, I guess, a decent amount about his past. **But, clearly not enough** , to understand why he reacted like that earlier. I've got an idea who he might've called that late into the evening, but, anything more than that was anybody else’s guess.

Slumped on my bed, 1/2 way under the covers I just stood for a moment watching him, as he lay there, debating what to do next. Tomorrow was Tuesday, but I doubted he'd want to go. Heading back into the kitchen, so I wouldn't disturb him, I called the University. It was closed, so I left a voicemail saying I couldn't make it due to my legs-I mean, they were fine now that I was back in the warm ( but used it as an excuse anyway ) and said that Mo had caught a cold helping my back home. With tomorrow now sorted, I placed the house-phone back into its cradle and sighed.

A slight noise behind me startled me.

'I thought you'd left.'

'No. Just letting the Uni know that were both unable to go in tomorrow- '

I looked at the clock.

' -today.'

Looking at the clock too, Mo nodded, and then headed back to the bedroom. But stopped before going in.

'Aren't you coming?'

Shocked, I raised my eyebrows and just nodded dumbly in reply.

We lay, side by side on the bed. Listening to each other's breathing. An hour or so past, thinking he'd be asleep by now, he surprised me by sitting up, and asking-

'What was it, you told the University?'

Looking at his placid face, I tried to gauge what he was thinking.

'I said you'd caught a cold helping me home last night.'

' ...Mm.'

A bit confused, I asked.

'Was I supposed to say something else?'

'No. I just, I just needed to know what you told them. That's all.'

'Was I meant to say something else?'

'No. What you said was fine.'

Rubbing my tired eyes I sighed, and thinking how to **phrase the question I'd been wanting to ask all night**.

' ...What happened Mo Guan Shan? For you to act, like that?'

Frowning deeply, he bit his lower lip hard enough to bleed, flicking his tongue, he painted them a bloody red. His eyes darted around the room.

'I- It's nothing, I just -you don't underst-'

'Tell me, **please**. Let me help you.'

Looking at me, an unblinking gaze watched me, carefully.

'Not about that, I can't. That's-'

'If you don't want to tell me, you don't have to. I'm not forcing you to. Just, **please**. I want to at least try to make yo- it better- or just-'

I looked away from Mo, watching the rain as it slid down the windows. Bumping on the frame. Raking a shaky hand through my hair, as I sighed harshly, causing a shudder to pass through me.

' ...I don't think I ca- could, handle you like that. **Again**. I thought... I don't know. I didn't know what to do. Or even what was wrong. What made you like that Mo?'

It was only when his hand tenderly brushed under my eye, did I realise an unwanted wet tear had fallen.

' ...If I tell you, will you **please** stop crying?'


	9. Chapter 9

It was quiet for a moment, until Mo spoke.

"There not someone I talk about. Though I suppose there someone I've never talked about. I guess because-? I could'nt?  
Having never said anything out loud, before. Talking about it, or **even to you, of all people, seemed impossible**."

  
His tired gaze turned to me, closing his eyes he sighed. His hand reached up, and gently tapped my forehead.

  
"I can't read you, **He Tian**."

  
He turned away to watch the rain. Smirking he shook his head.

  
"Sometimes I can, sometimes I believe- I think I know you so well. ( **Too well** ). Like when you try not to smile when you lie,"

Shit...

"But. Your not the easiest person, you know? Your shitty personality never exactly helped."

  
He laughed, but there was no humour behind it.

  
"Like, **I know you** better than anybody else. Heh, more than Jian Yi even. And he's one observant fucker ...But no. I didn't- don't know you as well as I initally thought."

  
Leaning back, his back hit the bedside. His lips parted for a moment, then closed. A sound, on the tip of his tongue.

  
"And ...I almost told you, **once**."

  
My eyes widened and my breathe hitched. But I didn't dare move. I felt, that if I moved I'd startle him. And then, he'd never open up like this again.

  
"But then. You were angry with me."

  
I frowned.

"Angry with you?"

  
He turned to look at me and just nodded, before turning to look back at the rain. A tear ran down his cheek and hit his shoulder.  
And then he sighed.

  
"It was the last time I was at your uncle's house."


	10. Chapter 10

He'd asked me to cook for him again, like he did nearly every day. But at this point, I just ended up buying extra groceries to cook with. His flat had become a second home to me, not that I minded. It was nice. Having somewhere else to go, other than home on the days I wasn't wanted.

"I'm making egg foo young, that alright?"

"Everything you make tastes delicious, your not going ever going to hear me complaining."

Smirking, he stepped round the kitchen counter to lean over my shoulder. Watching me whisk the egg and spices together in a bowl. But he ended up leaning too far forwards and ended up bumping my shoulder and I spilt some of it onto the counter.

"I'VE JUST CLEANED! GET OUT YOU CLUMSY IDIOT!" He backed away grinning amused, but still hadn't completely left the kitchen, "OUT, FOR FUCK'S SAKE!"

"I'm sorry little mo."

He didn't look sorry, but he had finally left the kitchen.

"Fucking hell," I turned back to stare at the atrocity that now sat upended on the counter top. "Now I'll have to work out how much is left in the bowl, to then figure out how much of everything else I need to put in still. And I'll have to re-weigh everything again too, all because SOME MORON decided to knock it all over."

"I love it when you get all technical."

"JUST SHUT UP AND BUGGER OFF. I'm busy tomorrow morning, I need to leave on time. And no- " I cut in, before he could say anything. "So I can get a decent amount of sleep. I can't be late, alright?"

"Alright little mo, I'll busy myself elsewhere."

Sighing, I let myself relax, "I'll call when I've finished, and don't magically appear anytime before."

"I'll help you serve it out."

" -sure."

About 40 minutes later I'd finished cooking, "He Tian, FOOD!"

Moving the cooked food to one side, I started putting the used utensils into the sink to be rinsed off and cleaned. By the time I'd washed and cleaned down the counter tops again, He Tian had appeared at his bedroom doorway again. He was on the phone, but waved me over anyway. He passed me a piece of paper he'd written on, ' **I need to finish this phone call, can you put my food in the fridge. Go ahead and eat yours, I'll join you if I can. Don't wait for me.** ' Nodding to this, I then noticed the slight frown on his face, which I in turn frowned back at.

Grabbing the pen put of his hand I wrote on the other side, ' **Everything alright? You look, odd?** '

He shook his head, smiling slightly. Taking the paper and pen back he wrote, ' **I'm fine. Just wasn't expecting the call to happen today. Why, were you worried about me little mo?** "

Reading what he'd written, I scowled. Looking up I was met with his grin. _But it looked forced._

Snatching it back I added, ' **I couldn't care less. If you don't hurry up I'll throw your food in the bin.** '

_But we both knew that was a lie. He hadn't eaten anything proper since early this morning, so he was most likely starving by now. And he knew, I wasn't that cruel._

Reading what I had wrote, his grin widened to a happy smile.

He looked at me, and mouthed ' _no you wouldn't_ '. The blush on my face was gone, now left feeling just angry at this point. So I just shook my head and motioned to his phone he had turned into his shoulder to continue.

It must have been at least an hour, or two at least since I'd last seen him. I'd eaten, washed everything up in the kitchen, put his dinner in the fridge. And then randomly decided to make some fudge pudding, he had a can of it left over from the Christmas meal me, him and my mum had made.

I'd felt rather fat after eating the entire pudding, that was meant to be shared between four people. Shaking my head, I'd plopped down onto his couch to rest a bit. Flicking on the television, I switched to a sport match- christ knows what the sport was. But- who cared. I turned it down to a quiet hum, attempting to listen to the hosts commenting on the game.

Huffing out an irritated breath I threw the phone against the mirror, silencing the twat on the other end of the line. I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to calm myself down. Or at least, I was trying to.

After a couple of minutes I realised that I was going to be miserable for the rest of the night I headed for the kitchen. I needed something to eat and take my mind off the massive cock-up my family had just made. It wasn't my father's fault, otherwise I'm pretty sure I would've died from unbelieving amusement. It was one of his lackeys, but they'd carried on as if what they'd done was fine. As if no one would notice we were missing a couple of thousand grand due to his drunken gambling, how dumb was-

I'd made it all the way over the kitchen, gotten my food out of the fridge, heated it and started eating. But I'd missed the sound of the television in the sitting room. Had he forgotten to turn it off before leaving? He was usually really observant about that kind of thing, he never left anything unnecessarily running if it wasn't needed. He'd even turned the boiler off once, thinking he was back home. And an hour later I'd woken up in bed freezing. I'd had to call him to come over and turn it back on, because he didn't trust me enough to turn the right dial without burning the entire building down.

He hadn't been pleased, waking up at 4:00am.

Opening the door I padded over to the couch to look for the remote, but froze before I even reached it.

Mo was asleep, curled up among the blankets and pillows...

"umm..?"

The hell was I supposed to do? It's not like I had any intention of waking him up, he'd looked fucking exhausted today. He'd always struggled falling asleep and then staying asleep for more than a couple of hours. What was it he always said? "Fuckin insomnia."

So it was rather shocking to see him sleeping so peacefully like this.

He'd said he was busy tomorrow, not that he had work. So he probably had one of those one-off photo shoots again at 8:00, meaning he'd have to be up by at least 5:50 to 6:00am. Going to pull out my phone, I swore. Realising I'd just broken the fucker over that shit earlier. I stood and headed to the tv remote cupboard, unlocking my iPad and setting an alarm on it instead. Since mine was most likely dead, and mo still refused to tell my his phone password.

Heading to my own bed, I paused. Stressing about making sure the iPad was actually charged, and would actually last until morning. Heading back to the sitting room, I padded in quietly. The charge was fine, put I plugged it in anyway. Not risking it.

I paused again in the door way, watching him for a moment. Considering what would be going through his mind when he woke up.

Picking up the scrap book we'd been writing in earlier, I wrote down a new message, ' **I took too long on my call so I missed the chance to eat with you, sorry about that. I found you curled up in a ball on the couch, but decided to leave you be. (You looked like shit earlier). I set an alarm for about 6:00am-ish. Hope I got the time right? I'll be in my room, call me if you need me.** **nite x** '

Picking up a throw rug from the wicca basket I gently placed it over mo. I caught myself letting my fingers run through his short spikey hair, and I pulled my hand back. He fucking hated it when I didn't ask beforehand. It was one of the few intimate things he allowed me to do. The first time I casually did it, he'd frozen on the spot going pale. If he'd blushed, I would've just teased him, but he looked almost sick.

_"Am I really that disgusting to you?"_

_It took him a moment to acknowledge what I'd said, finally turning to me, furiously shaking his head 'no'. "NO! IT'S NOT YOU- "_

_"What then?"_

_I gently cut in with._

_It may have been a mistake on my part, but that didn't mean his reaction hadn't hurt me._

_"I can't- " He shook his head again, his nails digging painfully into the palms of his hands. "I don't- I don't like it."_

_"I won't then."_

_"NO! No. I mean- "_

_Biting his lip hard enough to redden it, I carefully rested my hands over his own, a breath's distant apart. He'd dropped his gaze to my hands watching the closeness of them. He nodded, and so I entwined our fingers together, attempting to ease some of his nervousness._

_" ...It scared me," His uncertain eyes watched me, waiting for my reaction_

_Sighing I closed my eyes, nodding an understanding._

_"I'm sorry Mo Guan Shan."_

_"You don't- your not- " His shoulders shook, "It shouldn't even be something that bothers me," Something he's said struck an nerve. Ripping his hands away from mine, he backed away form me turning to the door, "IT SURE AS FUCK WOULDN'T BOTHER A 'NORMAL' PERSON!"_

_"Mo."_

_I stepped closer, but he didn't react._

_He's always had a problem with personal space, but I thought it was just his general grumpiness_ _. But- it was clear to me now that it was something much more serious._

_"Mo, look at me."_

_He didn't turn but he tensed. Walking round him to stand in front of him I touched his forearms, rubbing soothing nonexistent shapes into his skin._

_"Mo."_

_"Mm- " He sniffed._

_Pulling him into my arms, I gently ran my hands up and down his back._

_"I'm the same too, you know?"_

_He frowned in response._

_"With my nightmares I mean. I don't like people touching me when I wake up. But you."_

_I smiled._

_"I trust you more than I'd like to admit... but, there's nothing wrong with you Mo."_

_For a moment, we just stood in silence._

_"You, didn't scare me. The suddenness of it did. I'm not- " He sighed, dropping his head to my shoulder, wetting it with his tears. "I'm not a very open person. Though, I'm pretty sure you know that by now?"_

_"Yea."_

_"It just- "_

_"Caught you off guard, I know. I'm sorry mo."_

_"I didn't- I didn't hate it."_

_Surprised_ _, my eyebrows rose as I looked at him._

_"You didn't?"_

_"No. But, next time- next time I want you to- to- "_

_" ...I'll ask Mo Guan Shan, I promise, I'll ask."_

_Pressing my lips to the top of his head, I sighed, holding him close._

**Author's Note:**

> I think I will be either splitting this flashback into 2/3 chapters (depends entirely on how much I write, and if I want it all to become 1 massive chapter). I am currently writing up the new part at the moment, but, I am also writing my other story 'the Butcher's son, by trade' as well... This isn't ideal. I know- I know. I had a random spur of inspiration the other day and spent it writing more for that, instead of coming back to this instead. (sorry about that). I will try to update as soon as I am able to (although, I still have daily online lessons through the weeks and I have just gotten out of hosital only earlier last month (not COV-19, I got hit by a car of all things), so progress will most likely be slow. which I again apologises for... )  
> anyhoo, everyone! keep safe, make sure you WASH YOUR HANDS REGULARLY, only go out for VITAL shopping (not just to buy a fucking lava-lamp, like some dumb bastard did a few weeks back) and wear gloves and a FACEMASK or wrap a scarf around (mouth and nose should be covered) to keep yourself SAFE!!


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